A depressed person reaquainting himself with you all.
With Scott over my shoulder, I am blogging to report that I am now medicated. This is a facilitated blog. If I start to cry uncontrollable during this post, Scott will be forced to take my crown and sceptre and finish my sentences. Sure enough, depression. I've had it spear me in the chest before. It tends to be like a seven year itch. Don't let the glib style with which I am typing, fool you. I'm very sad and scared right now. Because that's what depression is. But I'm medicated. Wellbutrin and some anti-anxiety thing. I went to the emergency room a couple nights ago and considered being admitted but it was a holiday weekend, I would have just been lonely for four days not getting help. So I'm medicated and I'll be meeting my psychiatrist on Wednesday.
So here's the spectre in my head that preventing me from enjoying life:
I can't feel really into any moment partially because I overanalyze everything and I can't seem to stop overanalyzing it.
I started to think about infinity and boredom and all that leading to desperate sadness. This all came to a head when i finished chapter one of the new Dalai Lama book which I had to put down and try to finish the work day. This makes me scared and sad. Now I'm trying to find some positive opposites of these thoughts to guide me back to the planet.
Why would infinity have to be boring? (Maybe not. If there are also an infinite different things to be that can do an infinite number of things. Mathematically, it seems to work out.)
Is God, having been around forever and forever more, happy? Because if He's not, what chance do any of us have? (My mom said, "You can't think of God as happy or sad. God just is." And then there are two other things you must think about when it comes to God. Omni-present...that should keep it busy and all-powerful which means God is powerful enough to stave off sadness and just be joyful. Also, if there's any Joy in the universe then God couldn't make any if He didn't have any.) (By the way I'm fully aware that I'm going with the "HE" as opposed to "She". I like "IT" or "They". One cool thing about the universe would be if God just changed jobs all the time. Like next week, it's Milton Berle and suddenly the universe has an infinite penis.
Oh, and God is Love. Which means that the very fabric of reality is love. Which means that I shouldn't worry too much about Happy as loved and loving)
I also recently was given an image that fucked me up. The idea that we are all little candles and every once in a while, we go back to the source which is like the Sun and it feels great in there and you stay until you feel like you want to leave. Death and rebirth ad infinitum seems dreadfully boring. But does it have to be. You only do these things when you decide to. And if you are cloaked in love and filled with love, the boredom, the sadness, the happiness should be secondary...or irrellevant. Weird.
I got going with the thought of "why enjoy life?" or "why enjoy this moment?" or rather "what's the purpose?" Why is this life worth living when there is an infinite number of lives out there doing other cooler stuff? (First of all, they're probably all jealous of me and my cool couch laying, trolley driving, trying to make people laugh life) But really, it's just a feeling that everything and every experience is lifeless and worthless. The quandry is, if I believe that I'm special and this life is special then that means that it's got to be solitary and alone in the universe with an afterlife based on this life that gets boring (or does it?) or if I believe that this life isn't special because of the infinite variety in the universe, then that makes my potential future comedy shows seem pretty pointless.
The Television is on. The Birdman of Alcatraz just said, "The First duty of life is to live." If God or the universe is a general whose mission is to live, than I have to follow that call myself I guess.
I would love to know or at least believe that the things we do here do carry on into the future after we're gone. That the people we love will continue with us when we all move on. Maybe not, "Boy you sure changed the world with that incredible body of work you built up during your life!" but rather, "Boy that sure was a very 'Chris' life you lived and we're very glad to be with you now where those trends and feelings and vibes carry on."
"Will I always be me?" "Only if you want to be?" "Then what will I be?" "Whatever you want?"
Maybe that's why there's a heaven and a hell. Maybe we're spiritually careening in one of those directions or another and only miracles and love can change the trajectories.
By the way, lest any of you try to cut Jesus or God out of this equation by saying, "It's the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication you're on that's helping you" remember that Jesus said, "Greater things than I have done, so shall ye also do."
I tried to think of "mission statements" or "prime directives" from which to live my life last night. I came up with "Love God. Love Each Other. Love Yourself." But there seems to be a lot of life left out when you just follow those three. Like how can I enjoy humor that is based on hurting someones feelings or showing them to be foolish? Toughlove? And how can i justify just enjoying living? That's loving yourself and God? No. It's just enjoying existing. Enjoying creation.
Is the ultimate reason why to live, "why not?" That seems a little bleak and depressing. What about, "You wanted to be here." I'm not sure if I'm fully committed to that idea. All I know is that I hope that, greater than cyber space, is the timeless, spaceless space that we will go to and that we're all there together fully confident that we are there together by choice. And I've got to get some Godlove showers soon. I know there's got to be a pill for that.
So here's the spectre in my head that preventing me from enjoying life:
I can't feel really into any moment partially because I overanalyze everything and I can't seem to stop overanalyzing it.
I started to think about infinity and boredom and all that leading to desperate sadness. This all came to a head when i finished chapter one of the new Dalai Lama book which I had to put down and try to finish the work day. This makes me scared and sad. Now I'm trying to find some positive opposites of these thoughts to guide me back to the planet.
Why would infinity have to be boring? (Maybe not. If there are also an infinite different things to be that can do an infinite number of things. Mathematically, it seems to work out.)
Is God, having been around forever and forever more, happy? Because if He's not, what chance do any of us have? (My mom said, "You can't think of God as happy or sad. God just is." And then there are two other things you must think about when it comes to God. Omni-present...that should keep it busy and all-powerful which means God is powerful enough to stave off sadness and just be joyful. Also, if there's any Joy in the universe then God couldn't make any if He didn't have any.) (By the way I'm fully aware that I'm going with the "HE" as opposed to "She". I like "IT" or "They". One cool thing about the universe would be if God just changed jobs all the time. Like next week, it's Milton Berle and suddenly the universe has an infinite penis.
Oh, and God is Love. Which means that the very fabric of reality is love. Which means that I shouldn't worry too much about Happy as loved and loving)
I also recently was given an image that fucked me up. The idea that we are all little candles and every once in a while, we go back to the source which is like the Sun and it feels great in there and you stay until you feel like you want to leave. Death and rebirth ad infinitum seems dreadfully boring. But does it have to be. You only do these things when you decide to. And if you are cloaked in love and filled with love, the boredom, the sadness, the happiness should be secondary...or irrellevant. Weird.
I got going with the thought of "why enjoy life?" or "why enjoy this moment?" or rather "what's the purpose?" Why is this life worth living when there is an infinite number of lives out there doing other cooler stuff? (First of all, they're probably all jealous of me and my cool couch laying, trolley driving, trying to make people laugh life) But really, it's just a feeling that everything and every experience is lifeless and worthless. The quandry is, if I believe that I'm special and this life is special then that means that it's got to be solitary and alone in the universe with an afterlife based on this life that gets boring (or does it?) or if I believe that this life isn't special because of the infinite variety in the universe, then that makes my potential future comedy shows seem pretty pointless.
The Television is on. The Birdman of Alcatraz just said, "The First duty of life is to live." If God or the universe is a general whose mission is to live, than I have to follow that call myself I guess.
I would love to know or at least believe that the things we do here do carry on into the future after we're gone. That the people we love will continue with us when we all move on. Maybe not, "Boy you sure changed the world with that incredible body of work you built up during your life!" but rather, "Boy that sure was a very 'Chris' life you lived and we're very glad to be with you now where those trends and feelings and vibes carry on."
"Will I always be me?" "Only if you want to be?" "Then what will I be?" "Whatever you want?"
Maybe that's why there's a heaven and a hell. Maybe we're spiritually careening in one of those directions or another and only miracles and love can change the trajectories.
By the way, lest any of you try to cut Jesus or God out of this equation by saying, "It's the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication you're on that's helping you" remember that Jesus said, "Greater things than I have done, so shall ye also do."
I tried to think of "mission statements" or "prime directives" from which to live my life last night. I came up with "Love God. Love Each Other. Love Yourself." But there seems to be a lot of life left out when you just follow those three. Like how can I enjoy humor that is based on hurting someones feelings or showing them to be foolish? Toughlove? And how can i justify just enjoying living? That's loving yourself and God? No. It's just enjoying existing. Enjoying creation.
Is the ultimate reason why to live, "why not?" That seems a little bleak and depressing. What about, "You wanted to be here." I'm not sure if I'm fully committed to that idea. All I know is that I hope that, greater than cyber space, is the timeless, spaceless space that we will go to and that we're all there together fully confident that we are there together by choice. And I've got to get some Godlove showers soon. I know there's got to be a pill for that.
posted by Churchill at 11:53 AM
3 Comments:
Wow! So much to respond to... For this space I will just say that I too struggled with some of these questions and here's what I found: In terms of the hugeness of Everything, I am very small but I am HUGE where I make the difference, even if that difference is just how one person feels about this moment.
Can have an amen?
Truthfully, I started out over your shoulder, but then just started watching T.V. If anything might've happend to you, like a wolverine attack, I would've been too distracted by Jean-Luc Picard's shiny head to protect you. As such, I am only half-a-friend. But seriously, can I have your van?
Your post made me think of this passage from a zine that I like:
"Maybe we eternal souls experiment with lifetimes the way high school kids experiment with bad acid. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Maybe there was some cute eternal soul I was trying to impress by coming to earth. 'Are you sure you want to go to Earth? I hear it's pretty hardcore,' she may have said. 'But baby, I'm pretty hardcore.' And now she's watching me timidly pick my way through this life, wracked by fear and neuroses, scared out of my wits, and I bet she's not too impressed after all." -- Bill Brown, Dream Whip No. 13
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