Wild Theory Number One! (at the bottom of the page)

So I had to blog yesterday from an undisclosed location because my own internet service was having problem. Who knew that computer technology would be so advanced and so delicate that mere static electricity could bring the whole house of floppies down? And my apartment has a lot of static electricity. I'm becoming frightened of expressing my love to my wife. The last several times I've kissed her without grounding myself first have been tragedies, natural disasters, traumatic. There was an actual arc of about a half an inch between us one time. Well at least we still feel that feeling of electricity when we think of each other; when we see each other. Of course, in our case, that electricity is more of a Pavlovian response after associating my love of my wife with extreme physical pain.
I've even shocked my buddy Scott a time or two. Although we kiss much less frequently than my wife and I. I was just reaching next to him to grab something and accidentally made contact. Shock. He almost jumped out of his chair and punched me. It wasn't my fault. It was Jesus. Jesus invented electricity! Okay. Maybe it was God the Father. Maybe electricity IS the Holy Ghost. "And the Holy Ghost made Himself known by causing all who touched to shout 'Holy Shit!'." By the way, that wasn't really in the Bible. But it should be.
So for some reason, my apartment ( and, I hear, a lot of apartments in Chicago in winter...must be the dry cold) there is a ridiculous amount of static. I can't open any of my shirts to pull them over my head. If I do they crackle like a falling tree and, of course, emit a blue spark of at least a half an inch. Then if you try to pull one of these shirts over your head, suddenly you're all ionized. And ionized hair is bad hair.
My advice: keep it moist people.
So, with all this static, I had to become cable repair man today. I came home from taking my wife to work, bent over and exposed my ass crack (scarred and angry) to the studio audience who responded with uproarious applause. I then proceeded to unplug as many of the cables as I could unscrew and unplug all the phone lines and power lines leading from the wall to my modem and vonage box. Then I peed. I turned on the radio. I plugged everything back in, getting shocked several times during the unplugging and replugging, by the way). I restarted the computer and the phone rang which is a sign that my computer is working again (as our phone line is run by vonage over the cable internet. It's cheap. Like fifteen minutes for local and long distance calls all month.)
Oh...when I walk past the stationary bike it turns on like an angry robot that insists that I excercise. It's not supposed to turn on but the Holy Ghost takes every opportunity to get me on an excercise regimen.
My wild theory for today: God is Love is Static Electricity!