Deepak, meet the Rooster.
How is everybody? Seriously, if everyone could answer at once, that would explain the noise outside my window. But, alas, it is just the wind. I have found a moment of clarity here so that I can spout some nonsense. Interesting how that works for me, Chris Churchill. I have slipped from the claws of insanity for just long enough to spout some nonsense. Is that backwards? I've been worried a lot lately that I'm not going to get better. I'm still worried. But that's what makes me do whatever I can to try to get better. I've been excercising a lot. Listening to my man Deepak Chopra. He manages to say the right thing. I'm not going to say what the most recent realization was for me because it seems that when i do, it suddenly becomes something that I find untrue due to a.) my instant paranoia that everyone will need me to prove it to them and b.) my passive aggressive tendencies which cause me to say "fuck you, I'm not going to prove it. In fact, I don't believe it. Back to being sad and panicked."
I've been worried that I'll never feel like having fun again and therefore I'd never feel like being funny, which is why I moved to Chicago in the first place. In my recent soul searching I've found that I miss my family, I'm somewhat ashamed of my station in life (not that driving trolleys isn't fun), and that I need to get back to school and get a real job that helps people.
So, as a solution, I've had pieces of my family chopped off and sent (along with my college transcripts) to the trolley barn so that they'll fire me (which is the only way I'd ever leave). Then I'll take that package to college and then I'll win college and they'll give me the Captain College College Captain Hat.
The biggest problem with me right this minute is that I can't get a real nights sleep. I mean I guess six hours is pretty normal for most people but falling to sleep at 10:30 and waking up at 4:15 wide awake and ready for a day of wishing I was asleep is a little tough to take after a while. The doctor even gave me some sleeping pills. They help me fall asleep but they don't help me stay asleep.
This morning I got up and found the rooster was still drinking at the bar. I said, "Hey, you got two hours before you have to wake everyone else up." The Rooster said, "Man. I like drinking now. You like getting up early now. Let's switch." I said, "Hopefully this is only temporary." and the rooster just laughed. "That's what I thought...at first. Do you know how long I've been 'the rooster'?" Pause. Twitch of my lip. "No." Rooster said. "I can't remember. I'm drunk."
That'll have to be expounded upon and performed at the next Co-Governors of Space appearance.
The man with the Space Flu,
Out!
I've been worried that I'll never feel like having fun again and therefore I'd never feel like being funny, which is why I moved to Chicago in the first place. In my recent soul searching I've found that I miss my family, I'm somewhat ashamed of my station in life (not that driving trolleys isn't fun), and that I need to get back to school and get a real job that helps people.
So, as a solution, I've had pieces of my family chopped off and sent (along with my college transcripts) to the trolley barn so that they'll fire me (which is the only way I'd ever leave). Then I'll take that package to college and then I'll win college and they'll give me the Captain College College Captain Hat.
The biggest problem with me right this minute is that I can't get a real nights sleep. I mean I guess six hours is pretty normal for most people but falling to sleep at 10:30 and waking up at 4:15 wide awake and ready for a day of wishing I was asleep is a little tough to take after a while. The doctor even gave me some sleeping pills. They help me fall asleep but they don't help me stay asleep.
This morning I got up and found the rooster was still drinking at the bar. I said, "Hey, you got two hours before you have to wake everyone else up." The Rooster said, "Man. I like drinking now. You like getting up early now. Let's switch." I said, "Hopefully this is only temporary." and the rooster just laughed. "That's what I thought...at first. Do you know how long I've been 'the rooster'?" Pause. Twitch of my lip. "No." Rooster said. "I can't remember. I'm drunk."
That'll have to be expounded upon and performed at the next Co-Governors of Space appearance.
The man with the Space Flu,
Out!
posted by Churchill at 5:12 AM
4 Comments:
I have been where you've been. I have seen the top of the mountain. I have slowly been transitioning out of anxiety/depression over the past year. I chronicled it on my own blog, however, most of those entries are posted under security where you'd have to have a LJ accout to see 'em. Bah. You're not missing much.
I resigned from my job, which helped about a kajillion times more than the anti-anxiety agent my doctor gave me. I took for all of one day because, as my hubby put it, "You looked like someone performed Haitian voodoo on you."
So yeah. I'd cheerlead for you but I suck at cheers plus also I can't wear short skirts because my thighfat oozes out. Will try to send you good energy for what it's worth. Feel better soon.
I understand about the trolley thing but I must say this: when I was fire- I mean, down-sized, it was the best thing for me. Still, I don't think I could have left of my own volition.
As for being your cheerleader, I'll do it if you don't mind my hairy legs.
Chris. Wow. You're messed up. Your brain is a complex jungle. I find it very interesting. I also offer you a great deal of sympathy. Every so often I have insomnia and it causes a hard case of the "What if's" Try visiting lemonparty.org see if there is anything at that website that can offer spiritual relief.
Dave B
Dear Chris:
It was nice to finally read your blog, although it was a little heavy. I too, have been on an inward journey. And maybe, that is because I work in a field that puts me in the position of helping people everyday. While I have found it so incredibly REWARDING, it is also extremely DRAINING at the same time. I was giving so much of yourself and I felt like I was getting lost in the transaction.
I think that no matter where you are in life, you always second-guess yourself. It's that darn human condition of "inadequacy"...we never quit seem able to break the cycle. But, I'm working on that because I'm a work in progress. So, I don't know if Chopra is helping you but, if you find that you are still lack that certain je n'ai sais quoi, I would suggest a book called Why Normal Isn't Healthy by Dr. Bowen White. It has been truly inspirational to me.
At any rate, it's good to know you are out there. It's good to know that you still have that wonderful way of looking at world. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Sending a big hug to you all the way from Kansas.
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