Today the sun is eating fruit loops.
Don't worry about me.
The construction crews have stopped building streets.
They're building a jungle gymboree!
The birds are singing "Ween" songs.
And that's one of my favorite bands!
Every food that I eat tastes like Ding Dongs
Which is what my every taste bud demands.

My chest hurts but in a good way.
I'm going to puff it up big.
By going to the gym to spend my day.
With my i-pod and then I'll dance a jig.
My friends say they'd all like to spoon me.
Then maybe I'm just like ice cream.
Scoop me up, Eat me. We'll soon be
Rowing our boats down the stream.
So proud that I kept my tie clean.
No stains from the vanilla beans.

So one last thing--hey look lollypops!
They're growing like grass on the ground!
There are monkeys driving and arriving at the trolleystops!
And they don't need sign language, they all can make sound!
They said, "Hey people, just lighten up. People get sad sometimes.
They say what they must like a hurricanes gust.
It can't always be big plans and it can't always be fun times.
Sometimes it's just to fuss like Chris fussed."

Once again, monkeys have the most important things to say.
Time to do the laundry, go to the gym, make some lists.

This massage has released my sadness hormones.

That list I made was a punk. While I was busy making a list and doing the things on the list, friends were getting hired by Zanies, forging alliances in the improv and sketch community, getting closer and closer to fame and fortune and I just got sad and confused. Sadder and more confused all day long.

(I got a massage yesterday. Nice.)

Then I thought I should go work out. That'll make me feel better.
Nope.
After I was done, I wanted to cry. Maybe I shouldn't have spent so much time on the "soul crusher" machine. Well, I'll know better for next time. Apparently, the massage I got yesterday, combined with the massage my wife got yesterday combined with the realities of my lack of success and the destruction of all my walls of denial regarding my lack of success have caused me to feel emotionally laid out like a butterflied pork cut of some kind.

I was listening to my I-Pod shuffle that I got yesterday while I was in the gym. I listened to Ween, Beastie Boys, Beatles, Lenny Bruce, Radiohead, System of a Down, They Might Be Giants, Beck and so on while I was in there. After I finished, I was walking out of the gym slowly and "Across the Universe" came on. I've never felt like crying after leaving the gym before. First time for everything. This is also the first time I've felt like crying while blogging.

Don't worry. If I ever became suicidal, no one would suspect a thing. I expect I'd come to work smiling and laughing, say the wrong thing to someone and hurt their feelings (as I tend to do) and then feel horrible instantly and drive the trolley into Lake Michigan. Neither Sad Chris or Rocky Rooster will ever do anything. And to be honest, happy Chris probably would never either.

But right now I am desperate for some measure of success in my life (and I'm not talking about huge monetary success, in case Tony Robbins is reading this). I need something to take off. Hey, there it went. Something took off. It was my confidence. Well, at least that went somewhere. Maybe my confidence is in Ixtapa swimming with the dolphins.

The kind of sad I am is a relatively self-destructive sad. The kind that makes me want to walk up to my best friends and say, "I'm tired of you guys. I'm going to find different friends. You're boring." just to end the friendships and hurt them. I think that's a bit of the old "borderline" personality disorder that my mother was diagnosed with rearing it's ugly head. "Did you call my head ugly? It's because I'm an asshole isn't it." "Yes. You weird serpent. Yes."

In retrospect, I actually got a lot of my list done today. Especially the part where I changed the list and layed on the futon and sweated, faded in and out of consciousness until I woke up with my heart racing like my life had just passed me by and flipped me off. I just don't look forward to this final week of busy-ness for driving trolleys. I don't know if I have the energy for the play I'm in, the sketch group I'm supposed to be directing, or the stand-up I'm supposed to be booking for myself. Meanwhile the play whose first draft I wrote about the chair that sits on stage for an hour seems to be coming along swimmingly.

I'm drinking tea. My heart is heavy and so are my arms (which makes it hard to type). I'm dreading this week and looking forward to the following week. I'm overwhelmed and not busy enough. I'm busy with the wrong things.

--wait a minute. Darth Vader was...Luke's FATHER! Oh my god! I've got to tell someone!

How to be successful.

I made a list of things to do today. I wonder if I'll do any of them. The important thing is that I made a list. That was the first thing on the list so there I have one of those down. Now, I hadn't originally planned on blogging today, but I thought about it and I realized that I haven't blogged in a while so I thought, "well, it really wasn't on the list..." but, you know what? I am the keeper of the list! And I am the FABRICATOR of the list! So I added that to the list.

There, I've done two things.

But the list is longer than two things. Much longer. And that makes me feel a lot of pressure to get too much done which could either prevent me from getting anything done or it could kill me. Obviously, this is a very dangerous list but I'm a risk taker so I'm forging ahead. The obvious next step (because even stuntmen don't take foolish, unnecessary risks) is to make this list as safe as possible. So I put that on the list. Now the list is very long. And this is dangerous. I must trim the list down to a safe level. Now there are four things on the list:

"1. Make a list." done.
"2. Add'Blog today" to the list." done.
"3. Blog today." getting there.
"4. Make the list safer." done.

And I've finished three and a half things. That's pretty good.

Now, let me suggest to everyone that really wants to jumpstart their productivity, the thing to do is to make a list and do everything on that list. Then you can be rich and famous like me.