God versus God.

I must express a bit of remorse tonight. It seems that I've become increasingly more testy with my good friend, yin to my yang, Cain to my Abel (I think) Chris Hauser. I feel that I've been very rude to this guy since I've been mentally ill. And the reason is this...(He doesn't get on the internet often so I'm sure I'll talk to him before he reads this)

I want my fairy tale science fiction to be more true than his fairy tale science fiction. My God versus his God in a battle royal with no time or space limit. I'm so scared inside my brain so often that when somebody starts to convince me of something I can't take, I flip out and start to panic. Now I don't want to be forced to panic any more than I do when I'm just sitting still thinking about spiralling shapes and watching the moments angrilly tick by.

I think I figured out that my fixation with time and memories may have much to do with guilt and remorse surrounding those people and things that I feel that I've left in my past. I think I've got some object permanence issues. Yep that's right, sociologists out there. I think that Peek-a-Boo works really well on me. If I can't remember you, you don't exist. If you go around the corner, you don't exist. Oh there you are. How pleasant to see you again--DON'T LEAVE ME!! There you are, ahhhh.

Blarney Stone.

Fine and how are you?

Okay, my metaphorphosis is pretty close to being done. I just need to sand off this little bit...here...and then...a little over on this edge. Honey, where'd you put the varnish? Well do we still have any of that old shelac? Okay, I'll make do with glue and spit. Okay, I'll wait for the varnish. And as soon as I get the varnish on this thing and it dries, I should be right back. The universe did a funny thing. (or "God", if you like). It seems that on Dec. 29th, it not only made me depressed but it took away (temporarily) the memory of being well and the gift that it had always given me to remember that everything was going to be fine. Okay, maybe the universe didn't remove the gift entirely as much as make me ready to love it again. That gift? Anybody out there ever read my blog and say, "Boy Chris is a flake."? What did I blog right before you said that? That's right. I blogged about some dream that was a prediction of what was going to happen to me that day. I had forgotten about that entirely until tonight. And it then occured to me that dreaming about the future is the same as your soul travelling there. And if my soul can travel to the future, then it can just as easily travel to the past. I don't think my soul wants to roam too far from home, though, so don't ask it for any time travel favors. I don't have any control over it. It's like a nocturnal emission. Call it a "Nocturnal Me-mission." Although I haven't had a dream like that since I've been sick. Maybe I'll have one tonight.

By the way, my crazy thoughts came up in group therapy today. I was completely expecting the facilitator of the group to try to shake me and say, "what the hell are you talking about?" but instead she said, "but your molecules are vibrating right here." and then she went into a pep talk on quantum physics making the whole thing nothing to worry about. What strange but effective therapy. She combined quantum physics, buddhism and general A.A. brand spirituality into the "Chris Churchill Specific" therapy method.

Weird.

Good night.

Blarney Stone. Wednesdays at 8pm.

Journals and groups.

I've been going to my Intensive Outpatient Program meetings every weekday like I'm supposed to. I've started journalling again. That helps. But the weird thing is that I'm kind of starting to get the itch to get back to work. I'm feeling kind of useless. And I don't even think I mind driving the trolley. Weird. I mean, I'm not excited about it but I think I can do it.
Yesterday, I went to Scott's along with Iva and we worked on our show for Saturday. It was pretty easy and Iva did most of the work...so it was even easier.
I woke up yesterday and a little today with my fear of time passing again. But after I went to group and got home, I wrote about it and felt pretty good for a little bit. There's nothing I can do about it, obviously. It won't change the rate of time by me watching it go. I think it might have a lot to do with two things. Missing my family. Watching more of my families lives tick by in Kansas City. I feel kind of sad and kind of guilty about it. Also there's the fear of not getting any of my goals done. If I could just get ahead of the game for once, maybe I'd feel a little differently.

That's why people should come to The Blarney Stone starting March 15th at 8pm and watch the Co-Governors of Space and other groups.

But seriously, I'm nervous and depressed.

But also...come see our group.