Man I hate this auto-save

Chris, talk to me. Do you enjoy this new auto-save feature "they" have put on our blog?

Yes, OUR blog...

I just went through the Old Post Department and deleted at least two posts by yours truly that were no more than two sentences. Incomplete sentences. What bullshit is this?

Anyway, thanks for your text message today, it filled my heart with warmth and semen. Do ya'll want to know what Chrissy Poo Poo Churchill texted me today at 12:35pm?

He wrote "I miss scott mcnulty".

That's ME!

It's true that I normally capitalize the letters S, M, and N, but still...It's the thought that counts.

Some of you reading this probably believe that Churchill is gay now because of this explosive information I am recklessly throwing into the ether, and you would be RIGHT. He is mad gay.

But we don't judge here, we accept and make fun of.

I've been thinking a lot about what great friends I have up there in the windy north, they keep calling me, cell phone-minute-wasting-bastards. Mikey Schmitt vows to visit me in May of this year. Birdhause calls to say things like "I'm a vegetarian, blah blah blah, I believe in Buddha, blah blah blah, SAVE THE OCEANS! blah blah blah."

Yeah, he's not a great conversationalist, but remember, it's the thought baby. The thought.

And now a text "massage" from Crazy Face Churchron. Hell, even Matty Roundhouse Riggs keeps in touch, and I keep touching him. Every chance I get.

You guys are ALLLL-right.

I'm gonna go now. And poop.

I just ate a big Subway sandwich. Goes right through me.

I am fat.

Love,
McNooch

Thinking about funny

I'm listening to an old Howard Stern interview of Robin Williams. Which is strange, because, Howard is always talking about how Robin Williams isn't funny. But apparently, he was funny at least one day...

But this is just one of a long series of old interviews with comedians that they're playing on Howard Sterns Sirius channel.

But this whole week, blogging frequently, seeing and hearing all this comedy on television and radio, has made me wonder lately if my blog is actually a good place to mine material for shows.

Maybe.

I do feel like I'm more relaxed and creative when I'm making nonsense up on the blog. And I have read from my blog on stage and gotten a lot of laughs.
The stream of consciousness I have, is apparently much different than the stream that comes out of Robin Williams. His stream is relatively topical. I'm not even sure that mine is based in this reality. I do tend to escape into weirdness. It's a good ride for me. I hope it works for others.

My therapist suggested to me that, in my childhood solitude, I used my mind to keep myself occupied. She's right. I wrote stories that were extremely derivative of stuff I had just read or seen on television or in the movies. I made my twelve inch action figures wrestle until I made them bleed with red magic markers. It washed off really well. I made my six inch G.I.Joes play football against each other. There were some really heroic catches and runs in my G.I. Joe Bowl games.

Breaker was my favorite, but Gung Ho was pretty cool too. Gung Ho had a shaved head, a big moustache, a sleeveless shirt, and some sort of brimmed hat. He looked just like the leather guy from the Village People on Reserve weekends.

Robin Williams just said his act came from a "sesspool of consciousness". That's better.
So in terms of ratio of jokes made to laughs produced, do we think Robin is on the low end?

Mitch Hedberg made me laugh more than %85 of the time.
Brian Regan, Jim Gaffigan, Todd Barry %80.
Steven Wright used to make me laugh %80-90 of the time but that was the first time you heard the act. Then the percentage would drop quickly.
Cosby, I'm ashamed to say, still makes me laugh but his show is only half jokes anymore. The rest of it is "poignant".
Robin Williams makes me laugh after about %15 of his jokes. But lucky for him, he won't shut up so I laugh almost as much with him as I would with, say, an episode of Good Times.

I, personally, am a little too relaxed to actually create the rapid fire punch line performance that would make me a real "comedian". I found out a while a go that I don't really have that healthy fear of the audience. I'm actually pretty disinterested in them when I'm in front of the mic. That's probably not a good thing. But I'm changing my attitude. I'm going to gather new material. And I'm going to do it as honestly and as much like "myself" as I can.

Wow, did you see that?

I was looking at the "archive" list next to my blog entries and I noticed that in 2007, I blogged for one week only. That's weird, because I was typing. I wonder where all those words went.
If you find them, let me know. I think I saw them last Thursday at that liquor store in Wrigleyville. They saw me and looked at me, rather embarrassed, and then threw a star crunch at me and jetted out of there.
But here's what you'll see if you look for them:
1. A mention of an entirely different Chris Churchill, also from Kansas City, also living in Chicago and with my same birthday but he's a construction worker 8 years younger than me.
2. The words "I wish" and "I hope" are all over the pile of my words from 2007.
3. A lot of "$" And "-" side by side.
4. Multiple instances of "I really shouldn't buy this bird. I really don't have the money."
5. There are also many reports of "needing more hours at work".

The whole pile of words is about 12 feet tall and weighs over 700 lbs. It ambulates with one undulating appendage (even though it has two legs). We don't know what the appendage is.

Don't approach him. Don't call him by name. His name is Wayne Pearson, but don't call him that. If you want his attention, say, "Hey sweetie. I noticed your nose is bleeding." That usually makes him smile coyly and sit in your lap.

Man oh man. Wayne Pearson, huh? Please come home, Wayne Pearson. There's a lot of people waiting for you and your huge collection of Bill Cosby sweaters.

I want to do stuff

Last night, I watched a documentary on the history channel about standup comedians. Looks like fun. I should try that again sometime. I feel that now I'd be better than I was before. I really only accomplished good stand-up once at an open mic. The rest of the time, I was doing some weird, dishonest stage personna. I would love to get started again doing my material as I would say it to my friends on those occasions when they're laughing at me. Of course, that would mean going to open mics again. I don't know if I can spare the evening(s). Actually, the more I type, I wonder if my interest will last until the end of this post.
I also went to a couple different places looking for magnets. I found them. Thank you. No. I'm not telling you why. But it's another thing I want to do.
So here's todays political rant for the benefit of CNN:

IF HILLARY WANTS THE 13 YEAR OLD KANSAS GIRL VOTE, SHE'S GOT TO PUT ON A SUNDRESS AND WEAR SOME HAIR EXTENSIONS. THE DANGER HERE IS, NOBODY WANTS A GIRLY PRESIDENT. BUT APPARENTLY THE 13 YEAR OLD KANSAS GIRL ALSO DOESN'T WANT A MASCULINE WOMAN. I GUESS THE 13 YEAR OLD GIRL VOTE WILL HAVE TO DISCOVER THAT PARADOX AS SHE MATURES. hOPEFULLY THAT'LL BE IN TIME TO VOTE FOR CHELSEA.

Take that CNN

Childrens party time!

So I'm in Kansas City (technically Lenexa, Kansas) babysitting my nieces. They're 15 and 13 so there's really not a lot I need to do anymore. If a 15 year old girl needs any real help, she doesn't need her uncle anyway. She needs any of the hundreds of females walking around the sidewalks and shopping centers of Johnson County Kansas. I'm sure they'll be happy to help. Luckily no problems there so far.

So in a few moments I'll be taking the girls in the van and picking up two nephews and another niece and going to Pizza Street at my 10 year old nephew Henry's suggestion. Apparently he likes the fact that it's an all you can eat buffet for 3.99. So cheap, he even offered to pay. Two years ago, maybe I would have taken his money but I've matured.

Apparently, as legend has it, the last time they went, the younger nephew Hudson (I think he's seven) ate a few mushrooms and chose that occasion to find out he was allergic. Henry, the family statistician, informed me that it took ten trays and three bowls to catch it all. Henry had to crawl under the table to go play games. So, let me get this straight, Henry. You watched your little brother vomit harder and longer than he ever had...in a public place, no less. Had the presence of mind to count the receptacles and then you ran off to play skeeball? (that's right, skee ball. I don't claim to know what kids play these days...no doubt some guitar slinging, dancing, car stealing and murdering combination that allows you to collect points that you can use against your parents in real life.)

So today should be fun. I'm looking forward to cheap pizza and questionable deserts.

It's a Rap Battle!

...between Dr. Change-rhymes Churchron and Master McNutty the Silly Space Putty!

Who will win???

Probably me, since I invented the contest and create all the rules as I go along. Change-rhymes forgot his username and password so I helped by not giving it to him and then laughing about it to myself as I drank vodka tonics in the lounge of an old hotel in the snow-topped mountains of the Arizona high country.

Yes, we have snow here. And mountains. You can ski on/down them, if you're into that sort of thing. I prefer drinking in the taverns that surround said mountain. Some discussion arose as to the identity of The Who's drummer. The original drummer. I couldn't remember, so who did I text?

Chris "the secret bird eater" Churchron. (Keith Moon)

But that doesn't let him off the hook! This is a rap battle!

...A BATTLE!!!!!!


I don't need to be the better rapper (or blogger) I just need to convince you to vote for me, that way I'll win and great things will befall me. I deserve great things (for some reason)!!!

If you see the Churchinator tell him I Win!!!

Love,

Hot Sandwich