To the present and beyond.

Saw the psychiatrist yesterday. He and I talked and I decided I like him. The "problem" that makes me feel bad everyday is a different one which tells me that it's not real. The problem isn't there. But the fear is. Fear of what?

Fear of waterslides!

You ever been on one of those things? They're fast! And you can only go one at a time in some of them, which I think is terribly lonely! I want my wife on the slider thing with me and in slider things around me I want my friends and family. And every so often someone absolutely must wink at me knowingly like, "It's cool." Then at the end, there's God saying "Get out of the way! There's more people sliding through. And then we all have cheese fries." "Cheese fries? I don't like cheese fries." "I was just testing you. You just exerted your freedom! Good job!" "What's the point of that?" "No point. Just do what you want and invite who you please and if they aren't here, make them up and I'll make them real." "You mean I have to decide what I want to do?" "Yes. Or you won't do anything." "What if I decide not to do anything." "Everybody's got to take a break sometimes. You've got all the time there is. Sit there forever if you want. There'll still be more forever after that. Let me know if you need anything." "I need peace and love in my heart." "There you go."

And I hate dogs!

They bark and bark and growl and make the muscles in you back tense up. Also you feel like you're having a heart attack some of the time. I don't know why those dogs won't just let me enjoy myself.

And I don't like being lost.

Because then you don't know who you are or where you are or why you are. It just occured to me that I'm on the el going downtown to work at a bank with a bunch of other spiritual seekers when it has just become painfully obvious that I don't want to work. I just want to bang on the drum all day. Seriously. I'm going to fuck around until I'm tired of fucking around and then I'll keep doing it. Building patterns, riding trains of thought and then twisting them at the end or in the middle so that nobody forgets that it could happen. I don't know what it is, but I have it and a lot of people don't. Even on the spiritual plane, I'm just not a 9 to 5er.

I heard that since the universe expands infinitely in every direction and time also expands infinitely in every direction that we're all in the center of the universe, which feels like the protection of a fluffy comforter when you're in the right mindset. When you're in the wrong mind set, you could feel trapped or drowning or falling uncontrollably.

And also don't forget:
I am he as you are me and you are she and we are all together.

So hello me. Nice to meet me. Strange how different than me you look but it's nice to bump into you again. Why certainly, I tip my hat to you. Do you like my new outfit. You look simply splendid. How many dwarves in drag did it take to tighten your corset? Oh you don't know what a corset is, you're just like that?

To the present.

A depressed person reaquainting himself with you all.

With Scott over my shoulder, I am blogging to report that I am now medicated. This is a facilitated blog. If I start to cry uncontrollable during this post, Scott will be forced to take my crown and sceptre and finish my sentences. Sure enough, depression. I've had it spear me in the chest before. It tends to be like a seven year itch. Don't let the glib style with which I am typing, fool you. I'm very sad and scared right now. Because that's what depression is. But I'm medicated. Wellbutrin and some anti-anxiety thing. I went to the emergency room a couple nights ago and considered being admitted but it was a holiday weekend, I would have just been lonely for four days not getting help. So I'm medicated and I'll be meeting my psychiatrist on Wednesday.
So here's the spectre in my head that preventing me from enjoying life:
I can't feel really into any moment partially because I overanalyze everything and I can't seem to stop overanalyzing it.
I started to think about infinity and boredom and all that leading to desperate sadness. This all came to a head when i finished chapter one of the new Dalai Lama book which I had to put down and try to finish the work day. This makes me scared and sad. Now I'm trying to find some positive opposites of these thoughts to guide me back to the planet.
Why would infinity have to be boring? (Maybe not. If there are also an infinite different things to be that can do an infinite number of things. Mathematically, it seems to work out.)
Is God, having been around forever and forever more, happy? Because if He's not, what chance do any of us have? (My mom said, "You can't think of God as happy or sad. God just is." And then there are two other things you must think about when it comes to God. Omni-present...that should keep it busy and all-powerful which means God is powerful enough to stave off sadness and just be joyful. Also, if there's any Joy in the universe then God couldn't make any if He didn't have any.) (By the way I'm fully aware that I'm going with the "HE" as opposed to "She". I like "IT" or "They". One cool thing about the universe would be if God just changed jobs all the time. Like next week, it's Milton Berle and suddenly the universe has an infinite penis.
Oh, and God is Love. Which means that the very fabric of reality is love. Which means that I shouldn't worry too much about Happy as loved and loving)
I also recently was given an image that fucked me up. The idea that we are all little candles and every once in a while, we go back to the source which is like the Sun and it feels great in there and you stay until you feel like you want to leave. Death and rebirth ad infinitum seems dreadfully boring. But does it have to be. You only do these things when you decide to. And if you are cloaked in love and filled with love, the boredom, the sadness, the happiness should be secondary...or irrellevant. Weird.
I got going with the thought of "why enjoy life?" or "why enjoy this moment?" or rather "what's the purpose?" Why is this life worth living when there is an infinite number of lives out there doing other cooler stuff? (First of all, they're probably all jealous of me and my cool couch laying, trolley driving, trying to make people laugh life) But really, it's just a feeling that everything and every experience is lifeless and worthless. The quandry is, if I believe that I'm special and this life is special then that means that it's got to be solitary and alone in the universe with an afterlife based on this life that gets boring (or does it?) or if I believe that this life isn't special because of the infinite variety in the universe, then that makes my potential future comedy shows seem pretty pointless.

The Television is on. The Birdman of Alcatraz just said, "The First duty of life is to live." If God or the universe is a general whose mission is to live, than I have to follow that call myself I guess.

I would love to know or at least believe that the things we do here do carry on into the future after we're gone. That the people we love will continue with us when we all move on. Maybe not, "Boy you sure changed the world with that incredible body of work you built up during your life!" but rather, "Boy that sure was a very 'Chris' life you lived and we're very glad to be with you now where those trends and feelings and vibes carry on."

"Will I always be me?" "Only if you want to be?" "Then what will I be?" "Whatever you want?"

Maybe that's why there's a heaven and a hell. Maybe we're spiritually careening in one of those directions or another and only miracles and love can change the trajectories.

By the way, lest any of you try to cut Jesus or God out of this equation by saying, "It's the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication you're on that's helping you" remember that Jesus said, "Greater things than I have done, so shall ye also do."

I tried to think of "mission statements" or "prime directives" from which to live my life last night. I came up with "Love God. Love Each Other. Love Yourself." But there seems to be a lot of life left out when you just follow those three. Like how can I enjoy humor that is based on hurting someones feelings or showing them to be foolish? Toughlove? And how can i justify just enjoying living? That's loving yourself and God? No. It's just enjoying existing. Enjoying creation.

Is the ultimate reason why to live, "why not?" That seems a little bleak and depressing. What about, "You wanted to be here." I'm not sure if I'm fully committed to that idea. All I know is that I hope that, greater than cyber space, is the timeless, spaceless space that we will go to and that we're all there together fully confident that we are there together by choice. And I've got to get some Godlove showers soon. I know there's got to be a pill for that.